So proud of you Nolan

I don’t often say it, and I’m not the kind of mom who normally brags… but it’s long overdue.

Nolan, you’re such a big boy now. You are learning things each and every day that just amaze your father and I.

Today as we sat at Bob Evans and finished our meals, you opened up your kids menu, and proceeded to try to fill out the mail-in slip for their birthday club. You managed to write your first name on the “name” line with ease, and then went on to write your last name on the “address” line. You were about 75% correct!

You can recite the Pledge of Allegiance. You’re singing God Bless America, along with sign-language. You’re reading words like “off”, “exit” and more. You observe everything around you.

You are brushing your teeth alone now. You are riding your bike with ease. You’ve become such a little man, I can’t stand it.

You are picking me flowers, even if they are dandelions. You draw me pictures. It melts my heart that you think to do such sweet little things for me, when I’m not there.

You’re playing tee ball, and doing quite well. You’re swimming on your back, all by yourself.

We watched you sing and dance to songs from the 80’s today. Who knew you could do the “robot” dance to “Mr. Roboto?”

I could go on all night. But for now I’ll just say that we’re so blessed to have you in our lives. We are so very proud of you, and want everything in the world for you.

Love,
Mommy

With Spring comes new things

Like warmer weather usually, but someone forgot to tell mother nature this. Cruel, sick, joke was the white stuff all over the lawn yesterday. Blah.

But I do think maybe that was the last of it.

Nolan started Tee Ball last night, and seemed to love it. I think we found the one sport he really digs. Now we’re just not sure if he is lefty / righty with it. He has a glove for his left hand with forces him to throw with his right but I think he’s more inclined to throw with his left. We may go buy another glove.

He starts back up in swim class tonight. Each time he does a little better. I will keep him in at least until the summer. Since we don’t go to a pool in the summer I’m not sure that it makes sense for me to stop.

This weekend is Easter weekend. I start a mini-vacation on Good Friday and then am off the whole week after Easter. All alone. I’ll still be taking Nolan to preschool, then coming home to an empty house and the ability to maybe get some things done around here. I plan to take a “me” day where I do something fun for just me.

Thursday marks my first cycle on injectibles since the miscarriage in October. This time around I’m on Metformin, and the dexamethasone (yeah I didn’t spell that right). And he’s increasing my dose too. I’m quite nervous I might over-respond. But I’m leaving this in God’s hands. Praying for something better than last time.

Nolan has been quite a bit to handle lately. Turning four seemed to bring quite an attitude with it. We’re working on improving his behavior at school, since we’re not there. This week is proving to be better than last!

Many of my friends begin to celebrate Passover tonight, so I wish them an enjoyable time with friends and family.

Saturday I’m taking Nolan to a local Easter egg hunt. Then we’ll color eggs at home, and the Easter bunny will hide them on Sunday morning. Good times

I just want to feel good again

I don’t really get sick that much.  Except for this year.  What is it about this year?  Seems like we are always sick.  I managed to avoid whatever Nolan and Chris had a couple months ago.  But soon enough it caught up to me, and was gone in about a week.

But it was nothing like this.

I left for Kettering, Ohio last Monday for a two night business trip.  By late Tuesday my throat started to feel scratchy.  But Wednesday morning it was all-out hurting.  By Thursday when I was home again, the pain in my throat was unbearable.  Friday I saw the physician to be tested for strep throat.  Thankfully that test came back negative.  I was sent home and told to gargle with warm salt water.

Saturday I actually felt better.  The throat wasn’t near as bad and I was happy about our good weather.  Sunday things started to go downhill… fast.  I started to cough, I started to have congestion.  I felt like a Mack truck had hit me – three times.  That afternoon I developed only what I could guess felt like a migraine headache.  I tried everything to get rid of it – nothing worked.  Not even a hot shower.

I took some Nyquil (the good kind that still has the pseudophedrine in it) at 9pm.  I started to doze off on the sofa around 10pm, so I picked my sick ass up and went to bed.

I woke up yesterday morning (I use the term woke lightly, since I hardly slept) still with that damn headache.  This time my whole face hurt.  The pressure was crazy.  I called the physician and told them what was going on, and they called in an antibiotic, assuming I have a sinus infection.

Chris came home from work, stating he felt like crap too.  But he was obviously not dealing with the same thing.  He just said his joints were achey.  (Side note: Not enough to stop him from attending a Cavs game later tonight).  So we ordered in pizza and chose not to do a damn thing last night.  He fell asleep on the sofa about 9pm.  I woke him up and we went to bed at 9:30pm.  I started my antibiotic and took some Nyquil again.

I went to bed very feverish.  My whole head was on fire.  The rest of me was cold.  Go figure.  If I didn’t have all the congestion, I would have called it the flu.  Woke up this morning actually not too bad, fever wasn’t as high, and thought I could go into work today.  But as I started to adjust to being vertical, things went downhill again.  Now I am hacking up all kinds of fun stuff, blowing my nose every 30 seconds, and just not able to breathe at all.

So I called off sick.  I hope I didn’t piss off management too much.  I do have a full workload these days.  But seriously, if I don’t get some rest and get better I may go jump off a bridge.  I’m not usually a big baby about this stuff.   I have a pretty high tolerance for it.  This time it’s getting to me big time.  I think it’s because the symptoms just keep progressing and taking their sweet time doing so.  I need to get better NOW.

I just want to feel good again dammit.  Thanks for putting up with my whiney post.

More to get out…

Dear co-worker, who smoked in the car during our four hour drive:

Thanks for making me sick. I completely attribute the issues I’m having to your selfish need to smoke endless cigarettes in the car.  No, rolling your window down one inch, doesn’t help.  Oh and thanks for making my coat smell like your breath.

Ugh.

Signed,

Cough,cough,hack, hack

*********************

Dear friend of mine, who experienced loss one month ago:

I know you don’t talk about it much, but I want you to know I am always thinking of you.  I hope you are healing and finding peace in your heart.  Just because we don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.  My heart still breaks for you.

Signed,

Hols

******************

Dear IRS:

YOU SUCK.

Signed,

I owe.

********************

Dear friend of mine, soon to be matched with her long-awaited child:

I couldn’t be any happier for you right now.  I am now dreaming of that day you meet your child, and each and every time I wake up with tears of happiness in my eyes for you.  I don’t think I could be any more anxious for you.   It’s coming soon, love!

Signed,

Future Auntie Holly

******************

Dear makers of Metformin:

Did you ever take your own medicine?  If you did, you’d find that it’s like eating a bar of ex-lax on a daily basis.  If you did, you’d find out that your butt can do tricks you never knew about.  If you did, you’d find yourself browsing the aisle of Depends undergarments at the drugstore.

I’m guessing you haven’t taken it.  Because if you did, it would have been named “Poopformin.”

Signed,

Holly’s not here right now – she’s on the toilet.

********************

Dear pharmacist that chastized me for buying my son cough syrup:

Yes I know my son is 4 and below the age limit on the cough syrup I bought.  Yes, I know it says for six years and up.  Yes, I also know you’re an asshole.

Just because I’m buying it, doesn’t mean I haven’t met with a pediatrician who has advised me how to give this to my child, under his care.

Furthermore, all of the above is none of your ever-lovin business.  Go fill some xanax Rx’s and shut up.

Signed,

Mother who doesn’t over-medicate her child.

Long Overdue

Dear phlebotomist that took my terrified son’s blood this week:

No, he does not have any brothers or sisters, at least any that reside on the planet Earth.  He has them in heaven but I don’t expect you to understand.  And when you answer your own question with “Not Yet!” and then giggle at me as though I’m some highly fertile woman who just needs two minutes alone with Daddy to make that happen for him, well – that makes you an asshole.

Signed,

Highly annoyed mother who wishes you’d mind your own business.

**********************

Dear co-worker:

I know you think you are smarter than me.  I know you think that I’m stupid.  I know that you roll your eyes behind my back.  I also know that you go to bed at night thinking it’s not physically possible for anyone in our department to possibly have the same workload you do, and we should all thank our lucky stars we don’t get slapped with the amount of responsibility you do.  I think it’s time you should know – you suck.  Oh and I have a degree and you will still be trying to finish yours fifteen years from now.  Yeah I’m mean like that.

Signed,

The co-worker who IS smarter than you.

********************

Dear family member,

I love you dearly, but please stop sending me emails that instruct me to forward to seven other people, and then wait for fourteen minutes, for my wish to come true.  They don’t work.  In fact, the only thing to come out of them that takes any sort of action – are the viruses that are attached.

Signed,

Someone who is making sure her anti-virus software is updated daily.

*******************

Dear husband of mine:

Thank you for texting me the night we were out to dinner and making me feel like I was in high school again.  I needed that.

Signed,

Your wife who really does want you, just never shows it.

*******************

Dear son of mine,

Mommy knows that you don’t have the blue Transformer yet.  How could I forget when you tell me ten times a day?  Mommy wasn’t aware you were keeping track – is there a checklist under your mattress?

Signed,

I love you no matter what, and will look for the blue Transformer next time.

*********************

I feel better now!

Getting away

Chris and I are taking an impromptu overnight trip to Pittsburgh today.  I’m sitting here waiting for him to get home, and finish packing his bag.  Nolan is going to my parents for the night, and he’s overjoyed about it…. he’s anxious to leave and get there.

Chris and I are really going with the intent of purchasing some sort of storage system for Nolan’s room.  The toys are flowing out of our ears.  I can’t tell you the chaos that is our home these days.  We’re probably feeling this way right now, only two months post-holiday and two weeks after his 4th birthday.  So he’s gained all sorts of new stuff, and the old needs a home.  I think we’ll be putting a storage system in his closet to organize the little stuff, and then sorting through it all and storing older items in the basement.  Maybe we can garage sale this summer, who knows.

But the fact that we have to drive to Pittsburgh to find our closest Ikea, means we can make an overnight trip out of it.  I used some of my Marriott rewards points to book a room on the Ohio river, and we’re planning on going to dinner tonight just us.  Should be nice!

Here Comes the Sun

Here Comes the Sun, do do doo dooooo…

Here Comes the Sun…. and I say it’s alright!

Sing with me now – a little Beatles, have you.

I really do need the sun these days – it seems to have a direct effect on my mood.  I think I am SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder or whatever it is called).  And never before have I grown so tired of winter, than I have this year.

Maybe it’s the economy and the depression everyone seems to be going through, that makes this winter worse than others?

I just really wish I could get away.  I need a vacation.  I need to go somewhere with the hubby and just regroup mentally and emotionally.  And it sucks to know we can’t.

I’m going through a real funk with work.  And I know the next few weeks are going to be stressful.  I am surrounded by negativity in the workplace and it just makes the day hard to deal with.  I’m trying real hard to find a way to ignore it.  That reminds me, I need to load up my iPod before I go into the office tomorrow.

Nolan’s birthday party was this past weekend.  It was a lot of fun, and went well.  I am relaxing and no longer planning any events for awhile.  It’s hard to come off the holidays and plan for that so soon.  So I really do look forward to a break.

Last night I did not watch the Oscars – until the very last three awards.  And I was quickly reminded why I don’t watch them.  I hate the political crap these actors / actresses try to work into their acceptance speech.  Ruins the whole moment.  What are they thinking?

I have a few friends out there that continue to stay in my prayers and thoughts.  Praying for some to heal, and for some to continue to be healthy.  I love you guys very much.

Despite my funk, some good news today

I don’t know what it is about Friday the 13th.  I’ve seen a lot of good things happen on them.  Today is no exception.

Two people in particular, whom I’ve met along my journey with IF, had wonderful news to share today.  Both announcing that they are expecting an addition to their families.  Both bringing a smile to my face, and reminding me that good things really do happen to good people.

As the sun sets on my downer of a day, I felt compelled to come back and share this spot of sunshine that made me realize, HOPE is something to never let go of…..

In a funk.

It’s been a rough week.  I don’t really know where to begin, except that it seems like I can do nothing right, make no one happy, and everything stands in my way of my dreams.

On the work front, I feel like a failure.  I’m struggling to do my best and shine, when others are trying to beat me down.  I know I need to be strong and hold my head high, but it’s hard when you know your reputation has been tarnished.  I am one of those people who worries too much about what others think.  It’s just my nature.

On the home front, Chris has a cold and is pretty sick.  Nolan has been anxiously awaiting his 4th birthday this Sunday, and I’m preparing for a family party that day, as well as a class party with kids next weekend.  I have a long list of “to do’s” but all I want to do at the end of my day is relax.  We had crazy storms with high winds the other night and no one got an ounce of sleep.  I am praying we can catch up this weekend.  There is house cleaning to be done in preparation for Nolan’s birthday.  I’ve gotten his gifts wrapped thankfully.

On the infertility front, I completed another endometrial biopsy last week, and a round of provera to bring on a new cycle.  Today I completed bloodwork, including a fasting glucose.  Next Wednesday I go for a saline ultrasound.  After that I’m done with all the tests.  I should get a green light to move forward with the next cycle of injectibles and IUI soon.  I feel like I am in quicksand.  I feel like I’m forever this hamster on a wheel going NOWHERE with this stuff.   I just feel like I get one cycle in, it doesn’t work, and then BAM, time to do tests again.  I just want to move forward NOW.  I’ve watched so many friends and family pass me by, sometimes lapping me twice.  That’s a shitty analogy but it’s hard not to want that for yourself. I try not to be selfish but it’s hard to know you had it and lost it, and will have to work twice as hard to get it back.  I’m rambling.

On the family front, I seem to unknowingly upset people for petty things I have no control over.  It’s all silly really.  But it seems like this past week I had a dark cloud following me, and just looking at someone was enough to make them cry.  Sigh.

So just in an overall funk today.  I really do need to get back in my groove in so many ways.  I have to make this weekend a good one.

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