Grumpyville

Must be the hormones right?
I’m sure Chris is tired of me. I’ve been a real mess to live with lately. Much of everything just sets me off, I have no patience. Nolan probably looks at me like Mommy has two heads. (Last night’s events included arguing with him about sitting on the potty to poop, for which I certainly was not in the mood).

I don’t know if it’s anxiety, hormones, moodswings or what. I do know I don’t feel well and that alone, can make me a miserable person to be around.

Sunday we went to spend Father’s day with my dad and right after lunch I started to feel very nauseated and sick. It has not left me since then. I don’t get it – why would this show up in the middle of my 11th week?

My sinuses are a wreck – I’ve gone w/o any meds and I think maybe it’s getting worse. So I will call the doctor today and see if there is anything I can take. I may even need to go in and have my ear checked.

It’s hard to work too. Thankfully I can work from home three days a week. But between sinus headaches and the nausea, I am worthless. I just want to crawl into my bed ALL DAY. Thankfully I am caught up on my workload – but still.

So there’s my grumpy post from grumpyville today. Sorry.

June 20

Today I am 10w,2d pregnant and I FEEL pregnant. There’s a definite tightness in my belly and it’s hard. Shopping at Walmart today, my belly kept bumping into the shopping cart and it was just obviously growing. Amazing how it seems to just be there overnight.

I am trying real hard to drink as much water, or water-based fluids as possible. I am treating a minor bladder infection anyways, but I know I should be drinking a LOT. There are days I want to, when my mouth is dry as cotton, and I’m thirsty as if I’ve been traveling in the Sahara all day. Then there are others where I don’t want anything at all. So today I made a pitcher of strawberry lemonade, and will have to watch the sugar content. I also purchased some decaffienated tea to make iced tea. I’ve already had 1 qt of water not including what I’ve had with meals. So far so good. Lots of potty time though!

Appetite is definitely picking up too. I have not gained an ounce yet. I lost about 10 lbs of the bloating after the IUI and injectibles, and have stuck at the same weight now for about four weeks. I did this with Nolan, actually lost weight. I’m not worried considering I started out overweight anyways. But I am trying to keep myself fed often. Every two hours if I don’t eat my stomach starts growling.

I am wearing stretchy pants every day and loose shirts. I’ve started shopping for sales on maternity items. Buying large since I know my body will soon turn into a whale. I found a swim suit – a cute two piece, the bottom I convinced myself to get one with a little skirt, and I’m glad I did. Hides the flab.

We go back on Thursday for a check up with the RE. I’ll be 11 weeks that day. I’m thinking I could be released after that visit as long as all looks ok. Otherwise he’s soon going to be cutting into the period of time where they should be doing tests.

With that in mind I hope to get in with the maternal fetal medicine group at the hospital. I’m pretty sure I can see them exclusively but will have to confirm.

That’s the update! Feeling good, and happy

Week 10

Here I am approaching week 10 of the pregnancy.

Things are progressing nicely. I go back to the RE on the 25th, at which time I’ll be 11 weeks. I may be released after that appointment, at which time I’ll attempt to join the maternal fetal medicine group at my local hospital.

I started monitoring my blood pressure today. I located the home monitor I knew we had, but hadn’t used in years. I’m glad to say it was 122/70. Nice and normal. I hope that keeps up for most of the pregnancy!

I have all sorts of things floating through my mind these days. This will be the one and only place where I truly let my thoughts out. The goal is not to offend anyone, so if they want to read it, they can come here to do so.

I’m scared. Of all the health implications for me and these babies. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions and assume I’m going to experience issues. I just know how my body functioned with my first pregnancy and how twins can add to those risks. I guess you could say I’m trying to keep an open mind and be proactive without completely wigging out.

We have told all our family. We have told all our co-workers. And after this next u/s, God-willing that all is okay, we will finally tell Nolan.

I’m not sure how he will react. I’m sure it will mean lots of questions here and there over the next few weeks / months. Furthermore, not only do I get to tell him he’s going to be a big brother someday soon – but I have to figure out how to tell him there are two. I don’t want to leave that part out altogether because I want him to know he can trust us. But I also don’t want to make a huge fuss out of it.

We are nearing the event of selecting our next vehicle. Whether I was pregnant or not, we planned on trading in the Escape this summer, afterall it is six years old. But now we are faced with the need for more seating. I’ve all but given up on the idea of a seven passenger vehicle that has third row seating. I know it would be hard to get Nolan in the backrow if we have two fixated car seats in the second row. So I am thinking practically about a mini-van.

It’s funny when you talk to people they all have opinions on this. I have everything from people telling me I can fit all three in one row (I wish), and others telling me NO on the mini-van. But at the end of the day we’ve got to go with what will work for us.

We’ll take Nolan and his carseat, AND an infant carseat with us when we test-drive. I want to be 110% sure this is what will work for us. Chris is excited to be car shopping, period.

I’m trying to avoid outside pressure and stress from every angle right now. It’s funny how when you tell your families that you’re expecting twins, they all become expert advisors on how to run your life. My own mother wants to constantly help me look for housing. I think that is extremely thoughtful, but I’m already doing the same. And I know she feels this urgency to get it done asap but I don’t. I guess maybe I’m ignorant and don’t know what I’m getting myself into. But I don’t find it to be the end of the world, if we’re still here in our 2br home when these babies come. My mindset is that these two will be sleeping in MY room for awhile. So what does it matter if they have a room yet? We’ll figure it all out when the time is right. I’m looking and keeping eyes open, but not jumping into anything. I’m actually more worried about finding child care. I will need it by March 2010. Time to get on waiting lists. But the problem is I don’t think I can afford TWO at $177 a week a piece when I add in Nolan. It’s crazy. I wish I could find an inhome provider for their first year. But I remember the trap I fell into last time and sure as hell want to avoid that. Call me stingy but I want good, no excellent, care for them. This is by far going to be the money crusher for us.

Physically speaking I am growing, and by that I am referring to my uterus. Not sure how many weeks it’s measuring, but I can tell it’s stretching and growing and I am thankful for elastic right now. I have begun to order a few maternity items – but nothing major yet. I’m utterly disgusted by the lack of maternity clothing in this area and the fact that I’m relegated to order every damn thing I need on the internet. I hate that!

I bought our first case of diapers last weekend. We’ve agreed to stockpile and buy a case every payday. Boy I think they’ve gone up in prices in the past few years!

So there you have it – that is my update. I know I sound like a real Debbie Downer right now. I am not like this every day. Just my moments. I am in complete and total awe of the two precious lives I am carrying. I have moments of happiness, far more than those of worry

Time to catch up here…

I’ve been pretty quiet since a lot of what I’m about to blog about, is very private and we wanted family to find out from us, not a blog.  Now that family knows, I’m free to blog away about what we’ve been up to these past few weeks.

The last time I posted, I was anxiously awaiting results of our IUIs.  I started to take HPT’s around cd26 and got positive results right away.  I tested for five days straight – all positives!

I went for my first beta on cd29, and it came back at 107.  I was elated.  I needed that number to start thinking it could be for real.  Two days later, the beta came back at 178.  It didn’t double, but was still above a 60% increase, so they had me come back three days later for a third beta, which came back at 411.  I was pregnant!

The next wait, was for the first ultrasound, two weeks later.  These waiting games are awful.  The anxiety that comes with them, not knowing if all is okay – is scary.  I had some dark spotting for one day that subsided and was considered normal.

We had our first ultrasound on Thursday, 5/21.  The doctor saw two gestational sacs.  He could only see a baby in one of them.  And that baby had a flickering, beating heart.  We were elated!  But we still left that day with unanswered questions.  What was going to happen to that other sac?  We’d gone through the vanishing twin experience with Nolan, so we were familiar with this unfamiliarity.  If that makes any sense.

Two weeks later, ultrasound #2, Thursday, 6/4.  Two sacs, two babies, two strong beating hearts that we not only saw, but HEARD.  Chris and I held hands as I lay there on the table absorbing the news.  We smiled at each other with tears in our eyes.  Was this really happening?  Were we really going to become a family of 5?

Today I am 8 weeks, 4 days pregnant.  We’ve told family, and online friends who share an interest in our infertility journey.  We’ve told immediate employers, in light of all the medical appointments.  Otherwise we have chosen to wait to make our announcement to the rest of the world until at least one more ultrasound.  We go back this Thursday for that and then maybe two weeks later for another before being released from our RE.

I am starting to research options for a peri-natologist.  I am high risk, for many reasons.  First and foremost, because I am carrying twins.  Secondly, I had pre-eclampsia with Nolan, so my risk for that goes up with twins.  Moreover, I have to keep in mind I am going to be 34 years old when I deliver, close to AMA.  And I have transverse myelitis, something to keep in mind during the pregnancy (but I do not anticipate any issues).  So I need some strong medical guidance this time.

We’re still absorbing the news.  Letting it sink in.  It’s a lot for us to swallow.  Our biggest reason for avoiding multiples was the delivery aspect.  We’ll make things work afterwards, I’m not too worried about it.  We’ll find a new place to live, and purchase a mini van or something similar to transport our new sized family around town.  Lots to think about, lots to consider.

For now we’re happy.  And we’re going to enjoy it.

CD25

I sleep great now.  As long as I take a Tylenol PM.  That’s rather annoying.  Think I could convince Chris to let me sleep in tomorrow morning?

The bloating is all gone.  I can fit in my clothes again.  I’m blessed to have avoided the worst of OHSS.  But then I sit here and think maybe it’s a bad sign.  I’m trying not to read into that.

I don’t have any symptoms – but it’s still early.  The only thing I’ve noticed a change in started yesterday and got worse today.  I’m hungry.  Both days I woke up with my stomach growling, which is unusal for this person who rarely eats breakfast.  So I’ve been doing a bowl of cereal.  But today I did oatmeal and my stomach was growling again by 10:30am.  I couldn’t wait to eat lunch.  Same thing tonight, by 4:30pm my stomach was growling for dinner.

We went to dinner at Rockne’s and I got my usual cuban black bean soup with rice on top, and a terminator sub.  As soon as they were in front of me on the table, neither sounded remotely good.  I got very hot and just wanted some fresh air.  I ate maybe 1/4 of each item and called it quits.  Why wasn’t I wolfing it down if I was so hungry?

We stopped off at Target after dinner to buy lightbulbs, of all things.  Seems like one goes out around here, they ALL go out at the same time.  On the way home Chris wanted to pick up ice cream and the only thing that sounded good to me was Graeters black raspberry chip.  I wanted nothing creamy or rich.  The thought of it makes me feel like crap.

So other than this, I really have no symptoms.

Still so much going through my mind.  Still so many worries and fears.  I just want a healthy pregnancy.  One that doesn’t end up endangering myself or a child.  This is by far my biggest fear.

I heard Chris say again tonight he isn’t sure he can do this again if it doesn’t work.  He says between watching me go through it all (this time was the roughest by far), the money, and the emotions – he’s not sure if he can do it again.  I thought I’d never hear him say that.  But I respect him for saying it – it’s nice to know he’s fed up too, when he rarely lets me in on what he’s thinking.

So beta day – when is that exactly?  If my 2nd IUI was on a Wednesday, that means I should be able to officially test on Tuesday right?  I’m thinking the RE would have me come in for bloodwork on Wednesday.   Whatever happens, if I DO have bloodwork – this time around I will NOT be in the office to get my results.  Never again.

Our current project

Let’s see, about five weeks ago it all started.

A trip to the RE, to make sure all the tests had been performed, everything looked good, and my uterus was a healthy one, ready for a baby.

Then it was on to Provera.  Five days of it.  It’s always hell on Provera, but this time wasn’t too bad.  About 5 days after that, AF arrived.  That was cd1.  That was April 7.

CD2, April 8 – baseline u/s – it’s a go!

CD3, April 9, I started on 75iu of Follistim, 0.5mg of Dexamethason, and continued on 1500mg of Metformin a day.

CD5, April 11, I increased my dosage of Follistim to 150iu for two more days.

CD7, April 13, ultrasound and we see some little starts of follicles on each ovary.  They do b/w and it comes back with E2 only at 85.  Based on this, I’m instructed to increase Follistim again to 250iu this time (holy crap).

CD10, April 16, ultrasound, still small follicles, but getting bigger – around 10-14mm each.  I’m starting to worry a little about multiples, I’ve never responded like this before.  E2 taken, and I’m instructed to stay at 250iu per day.

CD12, April 18, ultrasound, and the follicles are at 12,13,14, 16mm – E2 taken, and I’m still instructed to stay at 250iu per day.  Nerves keep building up.  I’m almost expecting to cancel the cycle based on the # of follicles developing.

CD14, April 20, ultrasound, and the RE says “today it’s HCG day.”  I am shocked, because I thought for sure there would still either be too many or not big enough.  But he tells me I have three good follicles at 17, 18, and 19mm.  By the time we do IUI they should be 1-2mm bigger each.  I ask about risk of multiples and he gives me a 10% chance, with that being mostly odds of twins.  Sounds reassuring, so why am I still so nervous?  He tells me my E2 on CD12 was just under 500.  I get a phone call later that day from the nurse telling me my E2 came back at 4932.  YIKES.

CD15, April 21, arrive at the satellite RE office in town, and another RE sees me.  I ask for u/s for “one last look” because I just want to make sure we didn’t miss something.  He explains to me that an u/s 24 hours after trigger won’t tell us much of anything.  He’s right.  He asks me what I’m worried about and reminds me that at the end of the day, my RE saw three healthy follicles and that’s what they look for – 3/4 follicles is considered perfect to them (versus my history of 1 to 2 lead follicles in the past).  We proceed with IUI.  Chris’s count is at 87 million, 94% motility – couldn’t ask for anything else.  I ask the RE about OHSS and he blows me off.  We both go to work.  That night I’m highly uncomfortable, most likely ovulation pain.

CD16, April 22 IUI#2.  Another RE this time again, this one cautions me about OHSS and tells me if I become pregnant I could become very sick.  At least he was nice enough to take it seriously.  Chris’s count was 40-something million and 97% motility.  Great again.  Chris went to work after his drop off, and I did this one alone.  My first IUI alone – EVER.  I got through it, and came home to work remotely.  I’m still uncomfortable but not as bad as the night before.

CD17-19, April 23-25, feeling pretty ok.  Some bloating and discomfort but ok.

CD20, April 26, all of a sudden feeling miserable.  Extremely bloated.  Gained 4lbs.  Hard to move around much and sleeping is pointless.  Laying flat makes it worse.

CD21, April 27, still uncomfortable but working from home and tolerable.  Again, no sleep the night before.  Rolling over, it feels like my ovaries are twisting or touching each other.  I woke up that morning, and while trying to sit down on the toilet to pee I had this excruciating moment of pain.  And it was so bad I got light-headed and felt like I was going to pass out.  Ironically a few minutes later I was starting to feel much better.  The day progressively got better.

CD22, April 28, still no sleep the night before.  Weird how I felt ok that day before but nighttime seemed to bring out the pain again. Once I was up, I went to work (boy was that fun trying to find some pants that fit – had to break out some elastic waist capris), and I did ok the rest of the day.  A little achey here or there but not bad.  By evening I was feeling good, and took two Tylenol PM to try to get some rest.  Went to bed at 9:30pm.

CD23, TODAY I slept like a BABY last night.  Boy was that priceless.  And today I feel really good.  I’d say 90% of the aches and pains are gone.  And I’m wearing jeans comfortably today.  I’m half-way through the two week wait.

So that’s my summary.  I still have a lot of nerves.  Nerves that it worked, nerves that it didn’t work.  Nerves that it worked TOO well.  You get it.  Nerves that it worked and then will all go wrong like last time.  Lots of fear embedded in my mind.  Chris has seen me go through a lot this cycle.  He has told me if this isn’t it, he’s ok with being done.  I know he’s not ok with not having more children.  But I also know he is mentally wiped out by it too.  We won’t cross that bridge unless we have to.  I’m not done.

I’ve had a lot of support from various sources.  I’ve probably annoyed some along the way.  You always get the experts that have BTDT, but you have to remember you are a different person, different scenario.   Everyone is different.  Everyone is not an expert afterall.  You just have to go with what you are comfortable with and deal with it the best you can.  Sometimes I have to ground myself, and come back to reality.  Chris is good at getting me there.

So here’s to another week of analyzing every little thing.  Obsessing about the twinges.  Wondering if that’s heartburn because you had pizza for dinner, or is it something else….  I will survive!

So proud of you Nolan

I don’t often say it, and I’m not the kind of mom who normally brags… but it’s long overdue.

Nolan, you’re such a big boy now. You are learning things each and every day that just amaze your father and I.

Today as we sat at Bob Evans and finished our meals, you opened up your kids menu, and proceeded to try to fill out the mail-in slip for their birthday club. You managed to write your first name on the “name” line with ease, and then went on to write your last name on the “address” line. You were about 75% correct!

You can recite the Pledge of Allegiance. You’re singing God Bless America, along with sign-language. You’re reading words like “off”, “exit” and more. You observe everything around you.

You are brushing your teeth alone now. You are riding your bike with ease. You’ve become such a little man, I can’t stand it.

You are picking me flowers, even if they are dandelions. You draw me pictures. It melts my heart that you think to do such sweet little things for me, when I’m not there.

You’re playing tee ball, and doing quite well. You’re swimming on your back, all by yourself.

We watched you sing and dance to songs from the 80’s today. Who knew you could do the “robot” dance to “Mr. Roboto?”

I could go on all night. But for now I’ll just say that we’re so blessed to have you in our lives. We are so very proud of you, and want everything in the world for you.

Love,
Mommy

With Spring comes new things

Like warmer weather usually, but someone forgot to tell mother nature this. Cruel, sick, joke was the white stuff all over the lawn yesterday. Blah.

But I do think maybe that was the last of it.

Nolan started Tee Ball last night, and seemed to love it. I think we found the one sport he really digs. Now we’re just not sure if he is lefty / righty with it. He has a glove for his left hand with forces him to throw with his right but I think he’s more inclined to throw with his left. We may go buy another glove.

He starts back up in swim class tonight. Each time he does a little better. I will keep him in at least until the summer. Since we don’t go to a pool in the summer I’m not sure that it makes sense for me to stop.

This weekend is Easter weekend. I start a mini-vacation on Good Friday and then am off the whole week after Easter. All alone. I’ll still be taking Nolan to preschool, then coming home to an empty house and the ability to maybe get some things done around here. I plan to take a “me” day where I do something fun for just me.

Thursday marks my first cycle on injectibles since the miscarriage in October. This time around I’m on Metformin, and the dexamethasone (yeah I didn’t spell that right). And he’s increasing my dose too. I’m quite nervous I might over-respond. But I’m leaving this in God’s hands. Praying for something better than last time.

Nolan has been quite a bit to handle lately. Turning four seemed to bring quite an attitude with it. We’re working on improving his behavior at school, since we’re not there. This week is proving to be better than last!

Many of my friends begin to celebrate Passover tonight, so I wish them an enjoyable time with friends and family.

Saturday I’m taking Nolan to a local Easter egg hunt. Then we’ll color eggs at home, and the Easter bunny will hide them on Sunday morning. Good times

I just want to feel good again

I don’t really get sick that much.  Except for this year.  What is it about this year?  Seems like we are always sick.  I managed to avoid whatever Nolan and Chris had a couple months ago.  But soon enough it caught up to me, and was gone in about a week.

But it was nothing like this.

I left for Kettering, Ohio last Monday for a two night business trip.  By late Tuesday my throat started to feel scratchy.  But Wednesday morning it was all-out hurting.  By Thursday when I was home again, the pain in my throat was unbearable.  Friday I saw the physician to be tested for strep throat.  Thankfully that test came back negative.  I was sent home and told to gargle with warm salt water.

Saturday I actually felt better.  The throat wasn’t near as bad and I was happy about our good weather.  Sunday things started to go downhill… fast.  I started to cough, I started to have congestion.  I felt like a Mack truck had hit me – three times.  That afternoon I developed only what I could guess felt like a migraine headache.  I tried everything to get rid of it – nothing worked.  Not even a hot shower.

I took some Nyquil (the good kind that still has the pseudophedrine in it) at 9pm.  I started to doze off on the sofa around 10pm, so I picked my sick ass up and went to bed.

I woke up yesterday morning (I use the term woke lightly, since I hardly slept) still with that damn headache.  This time my whole face hurt.  The pressure was crazy.  I called the physician and told them what was going on, and they called in an antibiotic, assuming I have a sinus infection.

Chris came home from work, stating he felt like crap too.  But he was obviously not dealing with the same thing.  He just said his joints were achey.  (Side note: Not enough to stop him from attending a Cavs game later tonight).  So we ordered in pizza and chose not to do a damn thing last night.  He fell asleep on the sofa about 9pm.  I woke him up and we went to bed at 9:30pm.  I started my antibiotic and took some Nyquil again.

I went to bed very feverish.  My whole head was on fire.  The rest of me was cold.  Go figure.  If I didn’t have all the congestion, I would have called it the flu.  Woke up this morning actually not too bad, fever wasn’t as high, and thought I could go into work today.  But as I started to adjust to being vertical, things went downhill again.  Now I am hacking up all kinds of fun stuff, blowing my nose every 30 seconds, and just not able to breathe at all.

So I called off sick.  I hope I didn’t piss off management too much.  I do have a full workload these days.  But seriously, if I don’t get some rest and get better I may go jump off a bridge.  I’m not usually a big baby about this stuff.   I have a pretty high tolerance for it.  This time it’s getting to me big time.  I think it’s because the symptoms just keep progressing and taking their sweet time doing so.  I need to get better NOW.

I just want to feel good again dammit.  Thanks for putting up with my whiney post.

More to get out…

Dear co-worker, who smoked in the car during our four hour drive:

Thanks for making me sick. I completely attribute the issues I’m having to your selfish need to smoke endless cigarettes in the car.  No, rolling your window down one inch, doesn’t help.  Oh and thanks for making my coat smell like your breath.

Ugh.

Signed,

Cough,cough,hack, hack

*********************

Dear friend of mine, who experienced loss one month ago:

I know you don’t talk about it much, but I want you to know I am always thinking of you.  I hope you are healing and finding peace in your heart.  Just because we don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.  My heart still breaks for you.

Signed,

Hols

******************

Dear IRS:

YOU SUCK.

Signed,

I owe.

********************

Dear friend of mine, soon to be matched with her long-awaited child:

I couldn’t be any happier for you right now.  I am now dreaming of that day you meet your child, and each and every time I wake up with tears of happiness in my eyes for you.  I don’t think I could be any more anxious for you.   It’s coming soon, love!

Signed,

Future Auntie Holly

******************

Dear makers of Metformin:

Did you ever take your own medicine?  If you did, you’d find that it’s like eating a bar of ex-lax on a daily basis.  If you did, you’d find out that your butt can do tricks you never knew about.  If you did, you’d find yourself browsing the aisle of Depends undergarments at the drugstore.

I’m guessing you haven’t taken it.  Because if you did, it would have been named “Poopformin.”

Signed,

Holly’s not here right now – she’s on the toilet.

********************

Dear pharmacist that chastized me for buying my son cough syrup:

Yes I know my son is 4 and below the age limit on the cough syrup I bought.  Yes, I know it says for six years and up.  Yes, I also know you’re an asshole.

Just because I’m buying it, doesn’t mean I haven’t met with a pediatrician who has advised me how to give this to my child, under his care.

Furthermore, all of the above is none of your ever-lovin business.  Go fill some xanax Rx’s and shut up.

Signed,

Mother who doesn’t over-medicate her child.